Sunday, 1 July 2012

Homophobia: My Excuse

     It's very fashionable to condemn homophobia these days, but I don't think anyone has ever clearly articulated the very good reasons why some of us are terrified by homosexuality. Not all of us, of course, but not all of us have as much to lose.

     It's all very well for ordinary people to be tolerant. They have nothing to fear at all. They can just live and let live, because whether or not someone is gay really doesn't affect how they can get along. It's none of their business.

     But me, I'm a very handsome man. I'm unspeakably charming, witty and just generally attractive beyond all description. So naturally, if homosexuality is to be openly accepted, I'm going to have men hitting on me all the time. ALL THE TIME. You just don't know what it's like, if you're not as stunning as I am, and you probably aren't.

     This is more than a mere inconvenience. If it were simply a matter of saying "No, thank you," and being done with it, then I'd be fine with it, as simply part of the cost of being so fabulous. We all have our burdens to bear, after all. But as we know from movies and novels, it's never simply a matter of just saying no and being done with it. No, as a general rule, we know that once a man sets his sights on a woman (or a man, I assume, though I haven't seen a lot of movies where a man chases a man romantically), he just has to be persistent, and in the end the girl will realize she's in love with him, and they'll live happily ever after. As the cliché goes, her lips may say no, but her eyes say yes. Eventually, anyway. Right?
     Oh, sure. I'm heterosexual, not sexually interested in men at all. The idea of being intimate with a man in that way, well, it even kind of creeps me out a little, no offense intended. But if you pay attention to the movies, that's not really much of a factor. The woman often starts out even being actively disgusted by the man, but over time she is no match for his relentless, determined pursuit. And in fact, it even helps if he's kind of unpleasant in a way, if his charm is unconventional and hard to perceive. It's just a matter of time before she discovers that she he's the man she's always wanted, even if she never thought she wanted a man at all. And so, well, I think I don't want a man, and I'm even pretty sure of it, but I don't think there's a defence against romantic persistence. Not in any of the movies or novels I've seen, anyway. Eventually he'll win me over in spite of myself, and I really don't want that to happen.

     So you see, the reason I'm so frightened of homosexuality is because, like many homophobes,  I'm such a delightfully attractive and wonderful human being. And we let you know we're homophobes because otherwise you'd have no way whatsoever of knowing how intensely desirable we are.


  1. Brilliant!


  2. The sad part happens when you're no longer handsome, and they stop hitting on you. Then it's just pathetic.

  3. For heaven's sake they are only movies. Real life is entirely different. As a satire your piece is mildly humorous -as a mirror of your thought process it's pathetic .

  4. Indeed. How foolish of me to accept at face-value that which is obviously fiction.

  5. I am a Heterophobe for exactly the same reason.

  6. Tom, I do not know which is funnier: your rant or the oh-so-serious response of 'Anonymous'. It's about time SOMEBODY explained that REAL life isn't like the movies. As far as 'talks' go, that one ranks with the 'birds and the bees' lecture; and quite frankly, it's a relief to know that I no longer need to take time out of my crushing schedule to clarify 'life' vs. 'screen life' for you.
    BTW:Thanks, I needed to smile, today.

  7. Well, unless I qualify it by saying if I don't couch it, then it is sin, I can't say "Good Lord." Or maybe I can say "good lord," because that can be a knight of the British order, versus God.

    How can "Anonymous" talk about not taking fiction seriously, when "Anonymous's" world is totally made up of fiction? I mean, the way of interpreting Scripture is even fiction to most Christians today.

    AND, then, appearing serious, "Anonymous" talks about being a heterophobe?

    This implies "Anonymous" is a practicing lesbian or gay male; or perhaps a bisexual. [I realize if that is a joke, this argument is moot, but the tone came across serious, not joking.]

    Okay. Ahmm. That's totally against the regulations of Scripture.

    Apart, of course, from the fact that Anonymous contradicts his/herself by first criticizing, and then saying "in a peculiar way I agree."

    As we would say at my workplace: this person OBVIOUSLY has too much time on his/her hands. [That I DON'T have too much time on my hands is why I haven't hung around here for months.]

    I did read your other post, Tom, but so far as I can tell, I'm the only one here going to say it from a Christian perspective, which is: 1) your representation, Anonymous [while I agree with the freedom of speech aspect, Tom] is NOT one we want ascribed to Christianity in general [and pretty much feel Scripture taken as a whole, not selected favorite passages demonstrates that Jesus wouldn't want you representing as His position either], and 2) someone seriously needs to get this person some serious mental health help.

    I make those statements under the same right to free speech as Anonymous.