Not All Humans

     When I was very young, my feelings were hurt when the cute little squirrel ran away from me, when all I wanted to do was pat it. Why was it scared of me? Why did it think I was mean? 

    In time, I understood that in the eyes of a squirrel, I was just a big non-squirrel animal, in a world where squirrels are often eaten by big non-squirrel animals. And so I wished I could talk to animals and they could understand me, so I could tell them that I was a nice human and I just wanted to be their friend. Not all humans are mean!

    But then I learned about lying, and understood that even if I could tell squirrels not to be afraid of me, that's exactly the sort of thing a human would tell a squirrel to make it easier to catch and eat. And so a smart squirrel shouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't going to eat them. And that, too, hurt my feelings, to understand not only that there were bad people who told lies, but that because there were bad people who told lies, I should not expect people (or squirrels) to trust me by default, however earnestly I might believe myself to be worthy of trust.

    I also came to understand that, if I genuinely cared about the well-being of squirrels, I should not want them to trust humans (including me) too easily. It is in their best interest to be wary of potential predators, even if the majority of us larger animals have no interest whatsoever in eating a squirrel. And if I still really want to befriend a squirrel, at the very least I should expect to have to earn their trust.

    This applies to my fellow human beings as well, though obviously with somewhat different parameters, since humans are a social species and live in communities where a certain amount of default trust is essential, but where there is always potential for betrayal. And so there are appropriate boundaries. It's no big deal if a stranger at a bus stop asks you what time it is, but unsettling if even a fairly close friends asks to look through your smartphone. The very attempt to take shortcuts across these boundaries is itself deeply creepy; there aren't many bigger redder flags than "What's the matter, don't you trust me?" 

    And protesting #notallmen! whenever someone talks about misogyny or #metoo or anything of the sort is exactly that kind of red flag. Just as you shouldn't take it personally that a squirrel doesn't trust humans, you shouldn't take it as a personal affront that you're not immediately assumed to be one of the good ones, and you're not entitled to the benefit of the doubt. No one is, and it's childish to expect otherwise.